


The Secret Thoughts of Alexandra Cabot

by Abitfairytailforme



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F, Other: See Story Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 10:48:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7045402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abitfairytailforme/pseuds/Abitfairytailforme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Alex had kept a diary while she was in WPP, what would she have written?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Secret Thoughts of Alexandra Cabot

**Author's Note:**

> This was a kinda spur of the moment writing. I hope that it turned out well. Sorry for any grammar errors or any inconsistencies with the show
> 
> Hope you enjoy, rate, and comment!

_ Wow, okay, I don’t know how to do this. I’ve never written in a diary before, but I thought it might help and… _

 

This is stupid, Alex thought, putting her pencil down. She looked at the clean page of the new book with one line in it and she ripped it out.

 

_ June 5th _

 

_ I thought that I could handle this, you know? Witness protection. But it’s hard. I have trouble responding to Emily and trouble not responding to Alex. I often wish I had my old job back and I miss my family. I want to talk to them, but it’s not safe. The hardest thing, by far, is everytime a see a brunette with short hair, or someone with Olivia’s physique, or her someone who has a similar voice, and I have to accept that it’s not her. That it’ll never be her. That I may never get to see her again.  _

 

_ That’s the hardest thing of all _

 

_ ~~~~~~~~ _

 

_ June 10th _

 

_ I met someone today. He asked me out, and I said yes, which doesn’t even make sense. I don’t like men. Maybe I want the physical contact of another person, but I feel that it’s too much like cheating on Olivia, and that’s why a choose a guy. Maybe. _

 

_ ~~~~~~~~ _

 

_ June 15th _

 

_ I slept with him. That was weird. I didn’t really like it, actually kinda hated it, but I still met up with him the next day.  _

 

_ ~~~~~~~~ _

 

_ June 22nd _

 

_ I haven’t written in awhile, I guess, because I still think this is pretty stupid, but last time I did it, it helped. It made me feel happier, like it’s a chance to stop being Emily and be Alex again. It’s my little escape.  _

 

_ ~~~~~~~~ _

 

_ June 23rd _

 

_ I broke up with him, thank god. The guilt was building up and I got no pleasure out of it. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to date another person, especially with the huge lie I’m living. It hurt when he called out Emily in bed instead of Alex. It also hurt when it was his voice saying it and not Olivia. I miss her. _

 

_ ~~~~~~~~ _

 

_ June 24th _

 

_ I picked up the phone today and plugged her number in, (508)-443-2209, and almost hit start. I hit end instead _

 

_ ~~~~~~~~ _

 

_ June 25th _

 

_ I keep running over the time I got shot in my head. I should have been more careful. My shoulder only hurts when it rains, but it rains often here and it’s like a constant reminder, along with the healing scars. It’s a reminder that will never go away, no matter how much I want it too. _

 

_ ~~~~~~~~ _

 

_ June 26th _

 

_ I wish I had said it. I love you. I wish. I could have said it one more time, but I didn’t. _

 

_ ~~~~~~~~ _

 

Alex kept writing the whole time she was in WPP, it steered away from being sorry for herself, more to remember times she had with her family, her squad, Olivia. She wrote once,

 

_ I hope that I get out of WPP, so that I can let you read this. I love you, and I’m sorry we couldn’t be together on what would have been our 2 year anniversary. Did you know I was planning to propose before the Valdez case? I couldn’t keep the ring with me, but it’s at my mother's, so I hope that one day, I’ll get to give it to you for real. _

 

Alex was thrilled when she came out of WPP for the first time. She told Olivia right away about the man she slept with, about who Emily had been, and that she still loved her. They talked it through. And Olivia had gotten to see her before she had to leave for the second time, and Olivia said it again. I love you, but, she also said, I’ll wait.

 

And Alex kept writing. The most important posts are below

 

_ ~~~~~~~~ _

 

_ January 12th _

 

_ I hate my new life so much more than Emily’s. Maybe it’s the actual life they set up for me, maybe it’s because I saw Olivia again and I know she’s waiting for me. I have the ring with my now, I pretended that it was mine, and I look at it often. I’m waiting too.  _

 

_ ~~~~~~~~ _

 

_ January 20th _

 

_ My house was broken into. They took the ring. I don’t care about anything else, but the bastard took your ring and I’m so sorry Olivia. _

 

_ ~~~~~~~~ _

 

_ March 10th _

 

_ The police say they have leads on it, but I don’t think they do, so I bought another. It’s somehow not the same though. _

 

_ ~~~~~~~~ _

 

_ May 29th _

 

_ It’s been two years. Two whole fucking years and I don’t think I’m ever coming out. I still love you, but I’m starting to forget. I’m forgetting your touch, your smell, everything. And I hate it. But I’m still waiting, and sometimes I worry that you aren’t. _

 

_ ~~~~~~~~ _

 

Alex reads her diary as she’s flying back to New York. It’s supposedly safe. She has the new ring in one hand, and she’s reading excerpts of what has been her safety net over the last few years. No-one knows that she’s coming home, but she just can’t wait to see Olivia.

 

_ ~~~~~~~~ _

 

“I can’t believe it. You’re really back?” Olivia asks, cupping her face, looking into her eyes. She’s missed those caring brown ones as much as Olivia missed her striking blue ones.

 

“Really. I still love you.”

 

“I love you too, and I waited.”

 

“I did too, but we’ve missed so much, so, Olivia,” she got down on one knee, “can we not miss anymore?” She opened the box to expose the ring.

 

“Yes.” 

 

_ ~~~~~~~~ _

 

“I want to hear everything. Everything I missed.” Olivia says.

 

“I kept a diary.” Alex says. “They were my own, secret, thoughts when I was in WPP.”

 

Olivia smiles and opens the book.

  
“Well, they’re not secret anymore.”


End file.
